How Do You Take Care Of Your Emotional Health?
Take a moment to list all the things you associate with being happy. Now compare them to someone else's list. You will most probably find that while some are similar, others are unique to you. What makes me happy, you may well be indifferent to; this is the problem of applying a one-size-fits-all to psychological wellbeing.
Think of wellbeing as being at ease given the current circumstances alongside a view to the future. Our circumstances change our feelings of contentment associated with that change. Our emotions and reactions unfixed; they interact with each other. It is entirely possible to feel content with one aspect of our lives without having an overall positive effect on everything we do. If we think of wellbeing as a fixed state, we are likely to become frustrated when we reach obstacles.
Our goals and desires for the future form part of what makes us feel a strong sense of wellbeing; we have a sense of purpose and feel that something is happening. It gives us a sense of autonomy over our lives which helps us feel that we are grounded. That grounding allows us to make changes in our lives and, where necessary, manage the hassles and upheavals, to improve our emotional resilience.
There are some obstacles to face when focusing on personal wellbeing and emotional health:
It is all about me, me, me
The idea of considering what makes us happy and how we might improve can seem indulgent or selfish. Sometimes clients will say that they feel that what they are describing seems trivial compared to the greater problems in the world. When stressed about work, they quickly follow it up with: but at least I have a job. While this is true, it is also true that being employed is not the antidote to stress; it is all relevant to the circumstances.
Feeling happier and more content makes you more productive and fulfilled by what you do. You should not be ashamed about wanting a feeling of greater wellbeing in life.
I have too much to do; no time to navel-gaze
Busy lives and busy minds appear to be an obstacle to spending time on our well-being. It can feel like we are just adding another thing to the list. If we are not careful, we think: I’ll deal with my wellbeing when I have time.
People work towards their weekend or holiday and hope they can deal with their lack of contentment in life during the two weeks away from work. However, life does not stop. Children still need to be looked after, you still need to pay your bills, and relationships have to be worked on. Wellbeing and emotional health are shoved to the back of the list until it dominates everything through anxiety and stress.
People work towards their weekend or holiday and hope they can deal with their lack of contentment in life during the two weeks away from work. However, life does not stop. Children still need to be looked after, you still need to pay your bills, and relationships have to be worked on. Wellbeing and emotional health are shoved to the back of the list until it dominates everything through anxiety and stress.
Where do I start?
How many times have you clicked on a link online which promises the top five tips for a happier life, or doing these five things made me anxiety-free? Deep down, we know that the quick fix will not result in a significant change in our lives, but we are still attracted to them. We are time-pressured and, maybe, just maybe, it might be different for us. The reality, of course, is that it takes incremental changes most of the time to implement changes in our lives.
Self-Concept: A Model For How We View Ourselves
Carl Rogers (1951) referred to our self-concept. Self-concept refers to how we perceive ourselves to be: the kind of person we are and how we behave. Our self-worth comes from how we think about ourselves.
Self-worth begins during our childhood and how we were cared for; the experiences we had. How else would we learn about our worth if it was not from the positive (or otherwise) regard that others had for us?
The perception of our worth is a product of our parental relationships, friends, teachers and other important figures in our lives. Alongside this, we develop an ideal self: how we would like to be or should be.
The problem is that to have a state of Congruence is quite rare. Most of us prefer to perceive ourselves in relation to our ideal self and actively deflect the elements of our character that are inconsistent with who we feel we should be. This bias in our self-perception becomes problematic when attempting to make changes and improve our emotional health.
When we consider that self-worth is a product of our experiences, both in development and in our current adult lives, we can recognise that positive regard is not always unconditional. Being regarded positively without conditions is, of course, going to promote a more stable sense of self-worth. Sometimes positive regard comes with caveats: only being accepted when you behave how others want you to or expect you to.
The experiences we have (including our interactions with others) shape our expectations about future outcomes. As a way of dealing with potential threats in our lives, we use models of experience to inform us about what we should do. Of course, we have not experienced everything, so we used the best fit option. We match similar experiences with future ones and develop an expectation based on those.
It is reasonable to suggest a person who has had experiences and interactions that they interpreted as evidence that they are not as good as others will find this a challenge to their confidence. They are going to find it difficult to take bold steps to change their life. They know how they would like to be, but the gap between the evidence and the reality appears too large.
Some of this unhelpful experience is exacerbated by cultural norms. What is culturally considered the high watermark of the ideal self can become blurred, leading to a distortion of what we expect from ourselves. We push the bar so high that we are setting ourselves up for frustration and unhappiness.
Many of the young people I taught began to see themselves in relation to their academic achievements, not of who they were and what worth they had outside of the examinations grades they had achieved.
I am not suggesting that doing well at school is not valuable to you, but not if it is to the detriment of who you are and how you see yourself.
The idea of doing our best has become downvalued. The phrase becomes interpreted as mediocre: oh well, at least you did your best. By definition, we cannot do more than our best; because it is our best.
I would argue that deciding if a person has done their best can only be answered by the individual. If we were to cross-question ourselves and ask if we had done our best, and if we were honest, we can make a truthful assessment about it.
The problem is that young people are often encouraged to believe that doing their best is not enough, and it becomes a blueprint for how they judge their expectations of success in the future.
Self-worth begins during our childhood and how we were cared for; the experiences we had. How else would we learn about our worth if it was not from the positive (or otherwise) regard that others had for us?
The perception of our worth is a product of our parental relationships, friends, teachers and other important figures in our lives. Alongside this, we develop an ideal self: how we would like to be or should be.
Rogers suggested, the closer we are to who we perceive ourselves to be (self-concept) and who we would like to be (ideal self), the more content and happier we will be. A state of Congruence occurs when we match both of these elements, and we could argue that this is what we are referring to when we talk about wellbeing.
The problem is that to have a state of Congruence is quite rare. Most of us prefer to perceive ourselves in relation to our ideal self and actively deflect the elements of our character that are inconsistent with who we feel we should be. This bias in our self-perception becomes problematic when attempting to make changes and improve our emotional health.
When we consider that self-worth is a product of our experiences, both in development and in our current adult lives, we can recognise that positive regard is not always unconditional. Being regarded positively without conditions is, of course, going to promote a more stable sense of self-worth. Sometimes positive regard comes with caveats: only being accepted when you behave how others want you to or expect you to.
The experiences we have (including our interactions with others) shape our expectations about future outcomes. As a way of dealing with potential threats in our lives, we use models of experience to inform us about what we should do. Of course, we have not experienced everything, so we used the best fit option. We match similar experiences with future ones and develop an expectation based on those.
It is reasonable to suggest a person who has had experiences and interactions that they interpreted as evidence that they are not as good as others will find this a challenge to their confidence. They are going to find it difficult to take bold steps to change their life. They know how they would like to be, but the gap between the evidence and the reality appears too large.
Some of this unhelpful experience is exacerbated by cultural norms. What is culturally considered the high watermark of the ideal self can become blurred, leading to a distortion of what we expect from ourselves. We push the bar so high that we are setting ourselves up for frustration and unhappiness.
Consider separating who we are from what we do or at least the material indicators of our self-worth.
Self-Worth Erronesously Associated With Academic Achievements Alone
Academic achievement continues to be a strong indicator for most people, more so when they are young. Our education system measures the achievement of children and young adults through the assessment of memory and knowledge. We discover as we enter the world of work, academic achievement may have value, it suddenly has less of an impact on what we do.Many of the young people I taught began to see themselves in relation to their academic achievements, not of who they were and what worth they had outside of the examinations grades they had achieved.
I am not suggesting that doing well at school is not valuable to you, but not if it is to the detriment of who you are and how you see yourself.
We should be doing our best, challenging ourselves, but doing our best.
The idea of doing our best has become downvalued. The phrase becomes interpreted as mediocre: oh well, at least you did your best. By definition, we cannot do more than our best; because it is our best.
I would argue that deciding if a person has done their best can only be answered by the individual. If we were to cross-question ourselves and ask if we had done our best, and if we were honest, we can make a truthful assessment about it.
The problem is that young people are often encouraged to believe that doing their best is not enough, and it becomes a blueprint for how they judge their expectations of success in the future.
The A* Student
When I was a teacher, one of my students, in particular, had worked her way through school and had achieved consistently high grades in her assessments. She was a very talented student who worked incredibly hard and would put a lot of pressure on herself. She talked to me about it one day and described it as being the A-Star-Kid.
She felt there was an expectation that she would achieve the highest grade in her exams every time. The pressure of having to maintain that expectation was negatively affecting her. Rather than acknowledging her talents and skills, there was an expectation that she should repeat success every time. This expectation is fine as long as she continued to do that, but what happens when inevitably things do not always go to plan?
Without resilience and a strong sense of self-worth, I would hazard a guess that she would struggle. Fortunately for this particular student, she had parents who understood her talents while also understanding that positive self-regard without the conditions of academic success was more important.
What happens if a person does not have that position or they do not make that promotion? Their self-worth and ideal self come into play. The less grounded among us may interpret that as supporting evidence that they are not deserving of success.
She felt there was an expectation that she would achieve the highest grade in her exams every time. The pressure of having to maintain that expectation was negatively affecting her. Rather than acknowledging her talents and skills, there was an expectation that she should repeat success every time. This expectation is fine as long as she continued to do that, but what happens when inevitably things do not always go to plan?
Without resilience and a strong sense of self-worth, I would hazard a guess that she would struggle. Fortunately for this particular student, she had parents who understood her talents while also understanding that positive self-regard without the conditions of academic success was more important.
Toxic Comparison in the Workplace
The same problem carries through into the workplace. Sometimes people will judge their sense of professional worth through the position they have achieved. It is not enough to be good at your job, you require the label and position to justify it. Labels act like badges of self-worth.What happens if a person does not have that position or they do not make that promotion? Their self-worth and ideal self come into play. The less grounded among us may interpret that as supporting evidence that they are not deserving of success.
The same occurs with our homes, cars, holidays, and things like our relationships and income levels. All of these are valuable. Achieving success academically, in the workplace and from our personal lives all have value, but they are in addition to who you are.
We fall into a negative trap because of the factors (personal and professional) used to describe success and fulfilment in life. We assume that they are the things that lead to emotional wellbeing. They may make you feel good about yourself, but are they healthy if it means you have to strive to achieve them constantly to avoid the fear that you may be less somehow?
Why do we describe our successes this way? They are tangible. They are measurable. Look back at how you described what it means to be happy and contented, not easy to pinpoint?
They are the by-products of your efforts, talents and application of experience. They are not a product of how worthy a person you are.
We fall into a negative trap because of the factors (personal and professional) used to describe success and fulfilment in life. We assume that they are the things that lead to emotional wellbeing. They may make you feel good about yourself, but are they healthy if it means you have to strive to achieve them constantly to avoid the fear that you may be less somehow?
Why do we describe our successes this way? They are tangible. They are measurable. Look back at how you described what it means to be happy and contented, not easy to pinpoint?
We come up with intangibles like relaxed or laid back, time to ourselves, and when all else fails, we fall back on tangible things like good sleep, spending time with friends and family. Tangible descriptors are easier to measure, however, they do lead us into a state where we are comparing ourselves and our experiences with others. Experiences are individual and, therefore, they are not always easily transferred to one another.
When we fall into comparing the tangible signs of worthiness with others, we deny the different skills, talents and values that we each bring to them and what we do with our lives. The straightforward comparison with others can lead to negative behaviours and damage our self-esteem.
When we fall into comparing the tangible signs of worthiness with others, we deny the different skills, talents and values that we each bring to them and what we do with our lives. The straightforward comparison with others can lead to negative behaviours and damage our self-esteem.
On the outside, it may appear that we are comparing only the explicit tangible achievements, but implicitly, we are comparing the validity of our character and our sense of worth.
An environment of comparison is going to be unhelpful in achieving and maintaining a sense of emotional wellbeing. A comparative work environment where one person is pitched against another is not beneficial in the long term. That does not mean that competitiveness is bad, only when it is used as a tangible measure of a person’s self-worth.
Over-Sharing and Toxic Comparison
Social media is full of toxic comparisons. The over-sharing of personal experiences beyond what is helpful or interesting to others does not bring people together psychologically in a positive way, it has the potential to highlight the divide between ourselves and a perceived ideal-self.When people share a random picture of their perfect holiday, family event, or their child's exam results, it can create a biased view of an ideal world when we all know the truth behind that post may be a little different to our own. We may ask ourselves: why are they posting that?
With a strong sense of self-worth, we look at such things for what they are and avoid making toxic comparisons with ourselves.
We could benefit from taking stock of how our social group contributes to, or inhibits, our sense of self and therefore impacts our wellbeing. Do the people you associate with socially bolster your self-esteem or drain it? Your social group does not have a responsibility to work on your self-esteem issues, but you can recognise how toxic social groups may compound your negative self-image.
What is the purpose of that post? Or rather, Who is it for?
With a strong sense of self-worth, we look at such things for what they are and avoid making toxic comparisons with ourselves.
We could benefit from taking stock of how our social group contributes to, or inhibits, our sense of self and therefore impacts our wellbeing. Do the people you associate with socially bolster your self-esteem or drain it? Your social group does not have a responsibility to work on your self-esteem issues, but you can recognise how toxic social groups may compound your negative self-image.
Who Cares About The Joneses?
Keeping up with the Joneses used to be a way of describing this social comparison. The battle of dealing with the competitiveness at the school gates (parents can be worse than the kids!), or allowing ourselves to get caught up in the material comparison of holidays, houses and cars, can chip away at our self-worth. Ask yourself, why are you comparing it?
That expensive car, an exotic holiday or overachieving child is saying little about a person's character; they describe the by-products they have acquired.
I am not saying these by-products indicate unhappiness or signs of a lack of wellbeing; I am saying they should not be the high watermark of achievement. It is quite possible to be emotionally healthy with all of these things, but it is unnecessary. It is worth asking:
Do I seeking out these material descriptors just for me, or is it to bolster the perception of success for others to see?
To book a free, no-obligation, initial consultation call David direct on 01536 350328 or visit www.ketteringhypnotherapy.com
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