Not Letting the Bed Bugs Bite

Once we understand that we suggest to ourselves all of the time, through our actions ad thoughts, we can look at problematic sleep behaviour from a different angle. Is it possible that the individual struggling to get a good nights sleep is unknowingly encouraging the problem? It is entirely possible that the ‘better sleep’ routine they have employed is, in fact, suggesting that the will not sleep well?

Let’s imagine that we have sat in front of us a person who has been struggling to get a good nights sleep for a long time. They tell us that there is little pattern to their sleep. Sometimes they struggle to get to sleep easily, other times they get to sleep fine, but keep waking during the night.  They tell us about the techniques they have used to help rectify the problem:

“I’ve made sure I don’t eat too late and certainly do not drink coffee anymore in the evening; in fact, I’ve stopped drink it after three o’clock in the afternoon. I turn off my phone before bed and never look at it before going to sleep; so I can avoid the blue light, it’s the same with the television. I drink warm milk and sometimes have a bath to relax. I use a lavender spray on my pillow. I also keep a sleep diary so I can keep track of my sleep pattern; that might help me to see what is causing me to sleep so badly. I do all this, and yet I still routinely wake a 4am or I’m wide awake into the early hours"

If we look at that behaviour with an analytical eye, we notice that it is perfectly possible that each of those techniques is potentially suggesting that they are not going to sleep. Why would they be engaging in these behaviours if they didn’t have a problem? They wouldn’t.  The person who does not have a problem sleeping is not thinking about whether they drink caffeine or not. They are not worrying about whether looking at their phone, or computer means they will be affected by the blue light.  They are not going to spend time putting lavender on their pillow and certainly would not be keeping a sleep diary. The difference is they have an expectation that they will sleep.  There are no doubts in their mind about whether they will enjoy deep, sound sleep, they know they will. 

For both individuals (problematic and non-problematic sleeper) they are suggesting to themselves by developing an expectation of what is going to occur. The behaviour they engage in creates and maintains the expectation (positive or negative). While it may seem very positive and proactive to be using techniques to improve their sleep, it is invoking the very problem that the smoker faces when trying to change their behaviour using will power on its own: they have to continuously think about what they don’t want to happen to use the techniques so the problem is always on their mind. The person filling out their sleep diary is focusing on how badly they slept, even if they only jotted down when they slept well. The act of carrying out any of these tasks is associated in their mind with sleeping badly, with each having the underlying message of ‘you wouldn’t be doing this if you didn’t have a problem with sleep’. The idea gives birth to the idea and their sleep does not improve. 

Why do I always wake up at 4am?  How many times have you set the alarm for the next day, only to find you wake just before it rings? It is the result of mental priming. When you think so yourself I hope I don’t wake up at 4am, you are placing the idea of waking at 4am in your mind. We acknowledge that negatives do not stick in our unconscious and can have the reverse effect, so take the word don’t out of that thought and what instruction is your mind left with?  

Unfortunately, it is not just a case of irradiating the negative words, the mental priming continues with the actions and thoughts that go with those techniques. When a person is drinking a coffee at lunchtime and thinks to themselves ‘I better make this my last coffee of the day otherwise I won’t sleep tonight’, they are suggesting to themselves that they are going to sleep badly, and that coffee is associated with it.  The same is true for all the techniques, even though they appear positive. Each one leads to the person thinking about sleep in a way that is the opposite of the person who sleeps soundly every night. 

As far as possible, it would be more useful to examine the behaviour of the person who does not have that problem. That is the behaviour we should be focused on. That is the behaviour the individual should be thinking about and emulating. In the same way, the person wants to lose weight would benefit from looking at the behaviour of the person who does not have a weight problem (and never has), the problematic sleeper should look at how they behave and emulate that. How do they behave? It’s arguably far from full proof, but I would I am certain it would be more beneficial than attempts they have made before. 

What would you suggest, then? I would recommend having a break from employing all the techniques they have been using. Drink coffee when you want, or eat as late as you want. Put the sleep diary in the draw for a few weeks and put the lavender away for now. Just give yourself a break from trying to sleep well, and develop an expectation that you will sleep well. 

Anything that helps you relax would generally be of benefit, but certainly not associated with going to bed. If exercise helps you relax then build more into your day when possible. If reading helps you relax, mark when you can grab some time to relax. If you like meditation, then use that to help you relax, whenever you can fit it into your normal day. The important thing is that these are about relaxation generally, rather than associated with sleep.  The relaxation is for relaxation sake, rather than to help you sleep. When you think about sleep, how about telling yourself that you are going to sleep well? How about telling yourself that each night you enjoy deep, sound sleep? Get into the habit of expecting that to happen and being relaxed about it. As you adjust to that expectation, so too their sleep pattern adjusts.